Relationships

I don't know if any of you find this true, but relationships are very difficult. You think you get it dialed in and life changes, thus the relationship changes as well. This is the story of my life.

The obvious example would be relationships with my wife or kids. But a more pressing issue for me right now (not that those things aren't important) is the relationship I have/don't have with God right now. I have a hard time expressing what is going on but i'll try.

As most of you know, I was a closet agnostic for about 6 years and have since come back to a realization of the existence of, and a relationship with... my creator. This has been difficult at best, but I find myself and a different place right now.

I need to hear from God. I have this need or needs that aren't being met and I am finding it difficult to get to the root. Odds are, it's something I've done or not done that is screwing it all up, but I don't know. I just feel something missing.

Ever get this way? I'm sure you all have, at some point in your life been here. But here's the kicker. I'm not after that. I don't want to hear someone else's story. I don't want to have to listen to someone else tell me their version of "the truth" or how "their" relationship happens. This may sound strange but I'm tired of listening to everyone else. It's not what I need. How God interacts with you is exactly that. It's with you and for you only. That's the beauty of Christianity. There are guidelines of how this all works, but most of the story is personal in nature and will change from person to person.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not proclaiming some version of subjective truth, or relativity of morals and religion. What I am proclaiming is the unique and personal relationship that each of us get to experience with God. Our past, how we process information, our personality, our experience, all colors the lens through which we see and experience God. This is all filtered through scripture and the Holy Spirit. What it ends up as, is unique to each of us. It's amazing isn't it?

That's what I'm after. My experience. My version. My lens.

This is rant more than anything. You're more than welcome to share your story, just keep in mind it's "your" story and while some may resonate with mine, don't take offense at the other parts that may not.

What a weekend

I just came back from a weekend that can't be expressed any better than saying it was one of the best things i've ever done in my life. I had the opportunity to climb an 1100 foot granite cliff with a very close friend. There is something about being several hundred feet off the ground and having your life in the hands of a good and trustworthy friend. I'm close with this guy, but sharing these types of experiences can't help but bring people closer together.

I can't wait to do it again and to experience things like this with my wife and kids if for no other reason than how it would bring us even that much closer than we already are. Just wanted to share a bit of excitement from my world.

Entitlement

I have a sense of entitlement. I was born this way. I am entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I'm also entitled to freedom of speech, the right to bear arms, and to decide where I'll live, what religion I'll belong to, and what I'll feed my family. There are a lot of things that I'm "entitled to" but I've come to realize that this perception of entitlement is based solely on where I was born and what time period I was born into.

Had this been 14th century England, I'd have a different set of ideals and not as much of a sense of entitlement. The truth is, it wasn't until the enlightenment in the 17th and 18th centuries that people began centralize the self. The self became the measure and center of knowledge. Before this time, knowledge came from outside and tied into the self. After the enlightenment (Descarets, Hume, Kant) knowledge started with the self, and worked outwards.

This is a significant shift in that people before this time, were apt to accept life the way it was handed to them. Evil, pain, suffering, it was just a part of life. There wasn't as much of a sense of entitlement as to what we "should" have or what we "deserved". It was more of an acceptance of the way things were.

Are we better off with this mindset of entitlement? How would a lack of entitlement change the way we view God and those things of theology and religion that we hold so dear? Do you think there would be a problem of evil? How would predestination fit without a sense of entitlement to make you think you "need" to play a part in the process?

Just some food for thought.

Selfish

I was thinking about something I read by Chuck Klausterman the other day. He posed a question in his book IV: "think of the best decision you've ever made in your life. Now think of the worst decision you've ever made. Think about the motivations behind these decisions... how similar are they?"

This got me thinking. I've done a lot of stupid things in my life and it seems the common motivation was selfishness. I wanted what I wanted and took it. Or I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and did it. It was all about me. Then I thought about some of the great decisions I've made. Salvation for one. What was my motivation behind that decision? Selfishness was the answer again.

I chose this path out of self preservation and fear. But that leaves a problem. If the act of salvation is based upon the greatest cause of sin in the world... selfishness, then how do we reconcile that?

This is where I realized that the act of salvation isn't one that I can perform. It's God's grace that saves me. I do nothing.. in fact, if I actually do make a choice, it's based on a sinful nature and selfishness. Is there anything wrong with that? No. I don't think there is. It's the way we are wired. I just found it amazing how we can count on one thing as people... that we will do what is in our best interests, whether we know it or not. We are all wired this way. Even our most noble decisions and actions still tie back to what we know will be best for "us".

Anyone have thoughts on this? I'd be curious to hear them.

Good stuff from Seth

Another gem from Seth Godin. Think about your place in life. Would you do it the same? Are you doing yourself justice or is there a better version of you that we haven't seen yet? Is the the best you can do with your life, or are there better things in store? If so.... what are you waiting for?

Changing Title

I'm changing the name of this blog. Why? I don't like being boxed in or defined by my past. Yeah, I grew up as a preacher's kid. But it was not a bad experience, and it hasn't defined me as a person. It's just another experience that has helped mold me, but by no means defines me. I'm more than that. And I'm happy with who I am. So I'm changing the title. And my blog will be even more narcissistic than ever. All Phil, all the time!!

Battle Tested

I often confuse my anxiety about my situation in life for doubt and fear. Maybe it's both. For those who know me closely, you know I'm one to take risks. I make emotional decisions with little regard to detail. This has led to a lot of excitement in my life, but it has also cost me stability in many ways.

As I sit and think about the situation I'm in, I think of being battle tested. Maybe this is the real thing, maybe it's not. Either way it hurts.... but it's also good. That's the paradoxical theme of my life lately. Pain, hurt, frustration, overlaying a strange foundation of peace, confidence, and courage. Too often I allow the layers of bad to get too thick and it takes more than shaking it off to relieve myself of the weight.

Once again, I'm looking around for the sledgehammer to crash down on me. Maybe it already has but I'm too battle tested and hardened to know it. This is a good thing. When I can take the blows of life in stride and keep moving forward... that is when I know I'm ready.

Controversy

I was looking at the responses to my previous posts and noticed the ones that seemed the most "controversial" were the ones most commented on. I think the trend would be to continue that on for the sake of popularity. However, that's won't be the case here. I have found that many times we do things out of our need to be accepted, or at least recognized. I've lived most of my life that way. My concern for others opinions is both a strength and a weakness.

Have you ever wondered why you get along best with those who share similar tastes? Ever notice how a controversial topic is more enjoyable when discussed among people who agree with you, but not completely? The inverse would be someone who agrees with very little of what you have to say... but those conversations are usually avoided (speaking of myself here.) The moment I find myself justifying my position or defending my thought... i have stopped the process of learning for that moment. It's in listening, not sharing, where we can grow. Just some food for thought.