I don't know if any of you find this true, but relationships are very difficult. You think you get it dialed in and life changes, thus the relationship changes as well. This is the story of my life.
The obvious example would be relationships with my wife or kids. But a more pressing issue for me right now (not that those things aren't important) is the relationship I have/don't have with God right now. I have a hard time expressing what is going on but i'll try.
As most of you know, I was a closet agnostic for about 6 years and have since come back to a realization of the existence of, and a relationship with... my creator. This has been difficult at best, but I find myself and a different place right now.
I need to hear from God. I have this need or needs that aren't being met and I am finding it difficult to get to the root. Odds are, it's something I've done or not done that is screwing it all up, but I don't know. I just feel something missing.
Ever get this way? I'm sure you all have, at some point in your life been here. But here's the kicker. I'm not after that. I don't want to hear someone else's story. I don't want to have to listen to someone else tell me their version of "the truth" or how "their" relationship happens. This may sound strange but I'm tired of listening to everyone else. It's not what I need. How God interacts with you is exactly that. It's with you and for you only. That's the beauty of Christianity. There are guidelines of how this all works, but most of the story is personal in nature and will change from person to person.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not proclaiming some version of subjective truth, or relativity of morals and religion. What I am proclaiming is the unique and personal relationship that each of us get to experience with God. Our past, how we process information, our personality, our experience, all colors the lens through which we see and experience God. This is all filtered through scripture and the Holy Spirit. What it ends up as, is unique to each of us. It's amazing isn't it?
That's what I'm after. My experience. My version. My lens.
This is rant more than anything. You're more than welcome to share your story, just keep in mind it's "your" story and while some may resonate with mine, don't take offense at the other parts that may not.
2 comments:
I read this while you were typing last night. Very good, thank you for sharing your heart. To this day I still learn things about you that I had no idea about in the beginning of our marriage. This last year of our eight year marriage so far, I think I've learned more about you than in the previous 7 years. It also helps that we are more open with each other and truthful of our standing. I can definitely relate with you right now (I think this might be the first time we have been on the same page). We talked a bit about it last night, so I'll leave that conversation between us. I may not be at the extreme as you, and as you stated it has to do w/ our different upbringings and what not. But, nevertheless, I do relate with you on this topic. Right now I am really starting to ponder my relationship w/ God and where it stands, wanting more, knowing there is more, etc. Love you.
Thank you. I fully agree with you and I'm looking forward to each year after this in our marriage to be better and better. Thank you for standing by me and for your support in this. I love you too.
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